No Room Up Front
I think it's fair to assume that if there's a heaven and a hell, there will be a special place in the latter reserved for home builders. I just bought a town home in St.Louis, for reasons too tedious to enumerate, and on the face of it it's a nice abode. OK, the walls are newspaper-thin, and bits of siding might drop off for no apparent reason, but when you're dealing with the average US home builder your expectations had better not be high at the outset.
Nevertheless there is one flaw that aggravates me more than all the others, partly because I'm reminded of it every day, and partly because it affects my most sacred time and place.
When builders design a home they obviously try and make it seem as large as possible while actually giving you as little real space as they can get away with. Normally you make an effort to check things like the size of rooms, the number of closets, and all that. I failed to spot that my garage was suitable for one full size car only if no-one ever wanted to open a door and get out of it, but that's just par for the course.
But when you start messing with a man's toilet then your just taking the ... well, you know.
The builder of my particular domestic palace apparently decided that a normal toilet might give the impression that the bathrooms were a bit, well, small. This would be accentuated by people constantly falling over the toilet on the way to the bath. So rather than, say, enlarging the rooms by a few inches they instead installed micro toilets. These have round seats perfectly designed so that when you sit on them you can have your arsehole inside the rim. Or your junk. But, importantly, not both.
I don't know about you, but when I'm enthroned I don't want to be having to make critical decisions like "am I about to drop one off or piss". I usually count on having the whole apparatus, so to speak, inside the rim, and then nature takes over. In fact I doubt whether anyone consciously considers the order of their ablutions. Or the consequences of getting the order wrong.
Where do you even find toilets like that? Is there a special catalog for home builders which sells crap fixtures that no sensible human being would ever want? "Amaze your client! Magically increase the size of your bathrooms! Just don't ever actually try to take a dump in one!" Or did they just order it from the supplier who does school lavatories?
If home builders were women I could understand the abject lack of appreciation for the physics of wedding vegetable placement, but I'm pretty sure they mostly aren't. That makes them the most vile traitors to their gender, selling another man's dangly parts short just to pimp a town home and drag a few more inches of apparent space out of nowhere. No surprises what's top of my list for home improvement. And I hope the builder catches his parts in a circular saw - serve the bastard right...
Copyright © 2011 Edward Bison
Nevertheless there is one flaw that aggravates me more than all the others, partly because I'm reminded of it every day, and partly because it affects my most sacred time and place.
When builders design a home they obviously try and make it seem as large as possible while actually giving you as little real space as they can get away with. Normally you make an effort to check things like the size of rooms, the number of closets, and all that. I failed to spot that my garage was suitable for one full size car only if no-one ever wanted to open a door and get out of it, but that's just par for the course.
But when you start messing with a man's toilet then your just taking the ... well, you know.
The builder of my particular domestic palace apparently decided that a normal toilet might give the impression that the bathrooms were a bit, well, small. This would be accentuated by people constantly falling over the toilet on the way to the bath. So rather than, say, enlarging the rooms by a few inches they instead installed micro toilets. These have round seats perfectly designed so that when you sit on them you can have your arsehole inside the rim. Or your junk. But, importantly, not both.
I don't know about you, but when I'm enthroned I don't want to be having to make critical decisions like "am I about to drop one off or piss". I usually count on having the whole apparatus, so to speak, inside the rim, and then nature takes over. In fact I doubt whether anyone consciously considers the order of their ablutions. Or the consequences of getting the order wrong.
Where do you even find toilets like that? Is there a special catalog for home builders which sells crap fixtures that no sensible human being would ever want? "Amaze your client! Magically increase the size of your bathrooms! Just don't ever actually try to take a dump in one!" Or did they just order it from the supplier who does school lavatories?
If home builders were women I could understand the abject lack of appreciation for the physics of wedding vegetable placement, but I'm pretty sure they mostly aren't. That makes them the most vile traitors to their gender, selling another man's dangly parts short just to pimp a town home and drag a few more inches of apparent space out of nowhere. No surprises what's top of my list for home improvement. And I hope the builder catches his parts in a circular saw - serve the bastard right...
Copyright © 2011 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
12:35 PM
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